On Lust and Guilt
Unfortunately, this topic was easy for me to solve in a uniquely personal way, and He already gave me the answer on day 2 when He came to save me back in late August last year.
As mentioned in a previous post, after He baptised me with the Holy Spirit, I grabbed my backpack with my travel documents and was ready to jump into an Uber straight to Heathrow. I was planning on flying back to mainland China and thought I was going to speak to my friend’s father the Christian missionary to become a missionary for Him as well. I ended up turning Him down and I frankly felt rather dismayed afterwards. Wouldn’t you feel that if you truly believed that was God and you were offered a potentially once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to work for Him? Other than the reason stated in the previous post, there is a main reason that only three people knew about before this post. They are my Christ bro therapist, the Christian missionary’s daughter who was same year at Keble as me, and the drama that is me.
I also mentioned that He asked me a series of questions with increasingly difficult personal sacrifices to follow Him. One of the songs was Locked Away by R. City. I turned Him down at the end because I thought He asked me whether I would give up being a homosexual and marry my friend. Essentially have a stereotypical Christian model family that you would expect from every Christian missionary, the standard issue edition. I struggled with that question for a very long time and I did not want Him to wait too long given who I believed He was. In the end, I could not in good conscience say yes to Him due to the contemplations I had regarding my sexuality when I was a teenager. I would rather be true to myself and my conscience than be something that I’m not even for His sake. It ripped my heart out to say no to Him.
Fortunately, He asked me to think about why and He visited me again after my therapy session on the third day. Subsequently, an insane journey followed and today is 21 weeks and 3 days and counting. The previous post provided the first half of the reason why. This post is the second half.
Matthew 5:27–30
Lust
[27] “You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ [28] But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart. [29] If your right eye causes you to sin, tear it out and throw it away. For it is better that you lose one of your members than that your whole body be thrown into hell. [30] And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. For it is better that you lose one of your members than that your whole body go into hell. (ESV)
I don’t think anyone will believe what I’m about to say here, except Him, the Holy Spirit, my conscience, me and perhaps the 144,000. There is no lust in my heart when I have sex or watch pornography. I don’t think I have ever had lustful intent in my mind, at the very least in a sexual way according to the definition above. I have never looked at anyone whether male or female and wanted to have sexual relationships with them. I described in detail about my sexual activities in multiple previous posts. The main point is I have a mental block of looking at my sexual partners and would require my eyesight to be covered and I can only engage in anonymous sex.
I barely had any sex for the 100 days I spent at the gay/bi-naturist campsite Rosebay and it was essentially a designed playground for gay men to have sex. I guess that was also part of the reason why I hyperfocused on the Wi-Fi and I simply enjoyed being around my community for the social aspects and helping them. They also looked after me at the beginning. That was also exactly the reason why I had difficulty having sex there. Pretty much everyone knew everyone and anonymity was out of the door. The moment I can recognise the identity of my sexual partner either from speech or other details that I shall not describe here, my sexual desire disappears without a trace.
When I watch pornography to get into the mood, I do not lust for anyone depicted on the screen, instead, I fantasise about being the partner getting penetrated in the act. More often than not, I feel concerned for the passive partner if something I would not enjoy happens.
I also came across Job 31 - Job’s Final Appeal when researching this topic. The weird thing I find on this journey especially when reading the gospels is other than being a homosexual, I think I may have been storing up treasures in heaven unknowingly my entire life. There were things I did that I thought no one knew and came at a cost to me personally because I wanted to make some stranger’s day. Now I know He knows. I think I might have lived a somewhat holy life in the 27 years of my previous life without knowing God’s existence. Oops…
Also, I think the 144,000 in the Book of Revelation might be homosexuals. I have a separate “gay phone” because I was technically in the closet until this journey. The survival rate for my straight phone contacts is a massacre after most took off their sheep costumes. The survival rate on my gay phone is 100%. I have one gay theologian friend amongst my long list of theologians and technically I did not know he had a theology degree before this journey. Only one theologian still replies to my messages and you can guess their sexual preference.
If you have ever met a gay man and they opened their mouth for five minutes, you would know that these people will call you a cunt to your face if you are behaving like a cunt regardless of whether you are their best friend or their worst enemy. People from previous generations often ran away from home to be true to themselves. They are used to being ridiculed, mocked and bullied for being made differently. They are willing to sacrifice their entire world to be who they truly are inside. I genuinely did not expect to find out that many of my straight friends were different on the inside. I was surprised by the loyalty of my gay friends even though I did not tell them my real name until six months ago. I was hurt by evil people within my community, but I was also comforted by people within my community including but not limited to the staff and random visitors at the gay sauna in central London. We decided to be true to ourselves and to our conscience knowing there is a non-zero probability that we have to face our maker and give an account of the lives we lived.
Some illogical and illiterate straight cunts lied and condemned the guiltless for their entire lives. Some not only reject God’s existence but also call good evil and call evil good. Enough is enough.
Isaiah 5:13–23
[13] Therefore my people go into exile
for lack of knowledge;
their honored men go hungry,
and their multitude is parched with thirst.
[14] Therefore Sheol has enlarged its appetite
and opened its mouth beyond measure,
and the nobility of Jerusalem and her multitude will go down,
her revelers and he who exults in her.
[15] Man is humbled, and each one is brought low,
and the eyes of the haughty are brought low.
[16] But the LORD of hosts is exalted in justice,
and the Holy God shows himself holy in righteousness.
[17] Then shall the lambs graze as in their pasture,
and nomads shall eat among the ruins of the rich.
[18] Woe to those who draw iniquity with cords of falsehood,
who draw sin as with cart ropes,
[19] who say: “Let him be quick,
let him speed his work
that we may see it;
let the counsel of the Holy One of Israel draw near,
and let it come, that we may know it!”
[20] Woe to those who call evil good
and good evil,
who put darkness for light
and light for darkness,
who put bitter for sweet
and sweet for bitter!
[21] Woe to those who are wise in their own eyes,
and shrewd in their own sight!
[22] Woe to those who are heroes at drinking wine,
and valiant men in mixing strong drink,
[23] who acquit the guilty for a bribe,
and deprive the innocent of his right! (ESV)